meditation

Surely there was a time when our minds were in a still and silent state.

Perhaps it was when we were in the quiet of our mother's womb.

Floating in water, given all we need to live.

Just to exist, not a thought about it.

No questioning, no judgment, just existence.

Why then is it so hard to get back to this place.

Where did the quiet go?

Why must we seek it out with daily practice?

I sit in a dark room

legs crossed and spine errect

I close my eyes and breath

"just listen to your breath"

there it is, the voice I want so badly to escape

"I am not the voice, I am the presence which knows the voice is there"

I breathe

I count my breath

Thoughts come like a stampede

I jump on top of one

I ride it for a while then step off

"just let it go by"

I breathe.

The life source flows in and out.

Still I have not found quiet.

Where is the stillness?

This one is for Quinn.

Life is an adventure. A tour of the world on two legs, seen through two eyes, held with two hands. Recently, my adventure has involved a little dot on the globe named "Philadelphia". I moved there because for the first time I felt the confidence that I was ready to make a decision by myself, for myself. It's always amazing to me how thoughts manifest themselves when you focus all of your attention and engery on them. Anyhow, the small thought of moving to Philadelphia has in turn become the most life transforming experience I have ever had.


However, it did not take long for the urge to return home to kick in. Having my own two bed room apartment seemed so thrilling, but quickly turned into more responsibility than I could muster. Where is my mother? Where is my father? Why have I forgotten what is like to have friends...why did I leave my old life? I longed for home. Layed in bed for days and cried for it to come a take me away from this place. This place where my family is nothing like the picture that was painted during my many visits...

I wanted to leave after the first semester was done, but my pride stood in my way. Afraid of feeling as if I was a failure I decided to stay. Also, I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle this...

That I could handle living on my own for the first time, being across the country from my family, ending one relationship and starting another, the loneliness, the new school, the apt, the drastic change in surrounding, ant my first winter experience...

But in March, when everyone is anticapting Spring. I fell into a deep dark abyss called "depression" I fell in and closed my eyes. Tears flooded my face and I slept in the darkness. I held my teddy bear and slept for hours. took a bath and slept for hours. ate something and slept for hours. Dreaming of home. Of the sunshine. Of all the people I love. I pray and ask God for help.

Then one day, I woke up. The darkness lurking just above me, I sat up and was trapped in it again. I need to go home. I need to go home...my heart aches for it and my soul is crying out. So I called my parents, told them that I just could not stay here any longer, that I will be withdrawing from my classes and need to come home as soon as possible.

This, the return home, is the second life altering change I have made. Now as I put my life back into cardboard boxes, I reflect on all I have learned. How I have changed and what I have overcome. I am returning home anew. Sure of myself and for the first time I feel that I can say I HAVE LIVED!!

I want to shout it out! I HAVE LIVED! I have gone out into the world and lived a life I never could have imagined. It was not easy, but someone once told me nothing worth anything ever is.

The truth of the matter is, I did not know that living here would teach me so much. I thought I was moving here to go to school, but i moved here to learn a little bit about the person I am becoming.

So I praise the Lord and shout in victory that I did it. I tried it, and that counts for everything.


Now I only have 11 more days of this place, and I'll be back home. This journey will be done, and it's on to the next.